same old, same old....

I just had the blinding thought that it would be great to be able to "refresh" myself instantly like my computer does. I love that little cyber-shiver the screen gives and wha-bam! new mail and a fresher take on the whole thing.

Yeah, that's what I need! A refreshed approach to my "quotidienne". As the holidays approach, I have desparately wanted to do something completely unlike all the other Christmas days I have spent, which are so steeped in tradition that, unless you look carefully to see that I am wearing a different red sweater in the photos, you would swear every Christmas picture was taken all on one day. Same food, same ornaments, same, same, same....

This year I dreamed of basking on a beach eating a cheeseburger and watching the sun set over the Keys. What am I doing? Looking for a new red sweater!

And it's not just the holidays. After a dozen years on my own, and twenty years in the same job, I often feel like a hamster on a wheel. I do it, I hate it, but I am so afraid that if I step off, I'll get splattered against the walls of my cage.

By the way, the cage is one I made myself. I know that. Its walls are made of fear. The ceiling is low-hanging lack of confidence.

I have made a million resolutions over the years, and broken all of them. This year I plan to amend my brother's standing resolution of "just do better" and give myself permission to do more, do it differently, and do everything better.

And yes, I do want fries with that cheeseburger.